


A Foreign Affair

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-23
Updated: 2010-08-03
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Trainee Aurors Lily and James are sent on assignment for three months to a frigid Eastern European country. How will they survive this new country, it's abnormalities, and worst of all... each other?





	1. Boloxis--where??

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**AN:"Hello adoring fans that have yet to exist. We're two university students with too much time on our hands this summer, and we've decided to write this fic for you. We like reviews. A lot. See you soon with the next chapter!"**

James Potter walked into his apartment, literally.

Normally, the door opened with a push but his brilliantly evil roommate had decided today was the day he would actually lock the door, probably on purpose. His roommate Sirius had been on sick leave for nigh on three weeks now and his boredom was becoming obvious to James in these sort of juvenile pranks.After James peeled himself off the door and gathered all of his belongings that had clattered to the floor he whispered a quick "Alohomora", kicked the door open and took a practiced step backwards as the bucket of water splashed to the floor.

"This is getting ridiculous Sirius!" yelled James, still standing outside the door waiting for a sign that it was clear to enter the apartment.

"Tsk, Prongs. This wasn't directed at you, it's our new security system," as his roommate came into view

"And this would protect us from who? Muggles? We're up against Death Eaters, not eleven year old pranksters," said James crankily as he finally crossed the threshold of his apartment and was hit with a Jelly-Leg curse.

"You sodding bastard, get a hobby! Build a fucking flying motorcycle for all I care," yelled a very wobbly James as he made his way into the kitchen and dumped all of his auror gear on the kitchen table.

"Hmm...so maybe it was directed at you. There isn't much for me to do around here Prongs," as he gestured to the messy apartment, where the floor hadn't been seen in weeks, "And a flying motorcycle? What in Merlin's name would I need a flying motorcycle for? Silly muggle contraptions probably wouldn't be able to handle flying anyway. I should back at training soon as this leg is healed up. The dragon didn't do that much damage and I'm 96.4% sure it won't get infected," stated Sirius confidently from his spot at the table where he was drinking his tea.

James grunted. He was too busy scavenging for food at the moment as he had been craving a sandwich all day.

"You're about to get a lot more bored, Padfoot. Moody dragged all the trainee aurors into his office today and sprung a completely batty assignment on us. Apparently he's been telling us to prepare ourselves for this assignment for months but its the first I've even heard of it. The barmpot said he had posted all the information on the auror trainee board in August," said James. 

"There's a auror trainee board?"

"Yes, as I found out today it's located in the third basement of the Ministry of Magic Annex B, right beside the job postings board for werewolves."

"Ah, yes _that_ board. I bet Evans knew where it was though," smirked Sirius.

"Sodding perfect Prefect Evans, of course she did. Anyway, I wasn't really listening he just kept going on about how this assignment will help us get better at learning how to deal with foreign situations and get culture or something or the other. Culture? What does he think I am? Yoghurt? I couldn't concentrate on a word he said because I was so bloody hungry and Evans! The tease, she was shoving the most mouthwatering, overstuffed, delicious looking sandwich into her face during the entirety of the meeting," said James as he put the finishing touches on his own sandwich and went to sit down with Sirius.

He gently balanced his plate on top of the precarious piles of junk that littered the table and continued his story.

"All I could do was stare, the silly cow thought I was leering at her! Me? Leer! James Potter does not leer," he said huffily, as huffily as he could between mouthfuls of his sandwich, "Cutting things short though, I've been assigned to some frigid Eastern European country for the next three months with Evans of all people. Donnatella won't be too pleased that I'm living abroad with a broad." Munch munch munch went his sandwich.

"Prongs, the woman flies into a jealous rage when a poofter hits on you, she's completely off her trolley and according to the Rule Number 57 of the Marauder's Guide to Dating Women this one should have been gone 3 months ago. But darling, do tell me where will you be off gallivanting to for the next three months? said Sirius absentmindedly as he tried to desperately fish out the biscuit he had dropped into his tea that was now crumbling and making his tea grainy. Ugh.

James mumbled something incoherently.

"Bollocks?"

"Boloxisnom," muttered James.

"Bollocks is numb?"

"Boloxisnom NOM!

"Bollocks is nom nom?"

"BOLOXISNOM"

"You're going to Boloxisnom? This is going to be freakin fantastic. I can't wait to start addressing letters to you. Or better yet telling my owl where to go!" howled Sirius in laughter.

"You're such an arse, this is going to be the worst three months of my life. I hope Boloxisnom has some hot chicks"

\------------------

“Bugger it all!” Lily Evans exclaimed, thoroughly exasperated. “ _Accio house-key!”_ she said, waving her wand hopefully. From the other side of the door to her flat, she heard the key hit the door and fall flat on the floor. ‘So much for that,’ she thought. It had been a clever idea; bewitching the door of the flat she shared with Marlene McKinnon so that magical spells like _alohomora_ wouldn’t work. The only problem was that now she had a key to lose, and she did. Frequently. She banged on the door and whined, “Marlene, if you’re in there, you HAVE to let me in!”

“Having a bad day?” Marlene asked a few moments later as she opened the door with her hair wrapped in a towel and her bathrobe on.

“Only the worst day ever,” Lily complained, dropping her bag and cloak on the floor beside the sofa and flopping down into the brilliant purple cushions. Marlene sat beside her and picked up a dog-eared copy of _Witch Weekly._ A beautiful witch posing with skin-care potions winked and waved at Lily from the cover.

“It can’t have been worse than the time when Sirius Black put frog spawn in your shoes back in fourth year,” Marlene grinned, amused at the memory. 

“Oh but it is!” Lily exclaimed, leaping off the sofa and marching across the room, fuming. She wanted to kick something, but luckily there was nothing close enough. "We got our country assignments today, for the Foreign Immersion portion of our Auror training." 

"Mmm?" Marlene said, not even looking up from her magazine. She was used to Lily coming home from Auror training, all riled up about something or another. 

"I have to go to Boloxisnom!" Lily cried, throwing her hands in the air. Marlene looked up at this. 

"I am paying attention, you know. You don't have to make up things like that. Now where are you _really_ going?" 

Lily huffed and glared at her roommate, "I _am_ serious. I'm going to Boloxisnom."

"Boloxisnom? Seriously? Do they even speak English there?" Marlene was trying to stifle her laughter.

"Yes! No, maybe! And that's not even the worst part!" Lily turned around and promptly hit her head on the corner of an open cupboard door. "Bollocks!" she exclaimed in pain. 

"Exactly," Marlene snickered under her breath. She said louder, "Are you ok, Lil?" 

"Fine," Lily groaned, massaging her forehead. "Anyway, as I was saying, Moody called James and I into his office today at lunch. James was being a complete sleazeball, even worse than usual. He was leering at me the whole time! It was so grotty. He was actually drooling at one point. Drooling! You'd think he was raised by ghouls. No. That's a compliment. Even ghouls have better manners," she said scathingly. "It's not like he doesn't have a girlfriend already," she added on as an afterthought.

"Oh yeah," Marlene said, turning the page carelessly, "He's not still with that trollop is he? What's her name again? Darlene? Dolana?"

"Donnatella," Lily said dismissively, "I can't believe he's put up with her for four and half months. I wouldn't have put up with her for two weeks." 

"Four and a half months? Got their anniversary marked in your pocketbook, Lil?" Marlene asked curiously, looking up from _Witch Weekly_. 

Lily rolled her eyes, avoiding her friend's curious gaze, "James talks about her all the time. They celebrate their _weekiversaries_. It's totally barmy."

Marlene laughed, "So that's not too bad of a day. James was being a plonker, what's new?" 

"Oh, I haven't even gotten _there_ yet," Lily said, suddenly outraged again, "We have to go to Boloxisnom together!" 

"Huh?" Marlene said, the magazine forgotten on her lap.

"I have to spend three months in a bloody freezing, backwards country with no one for company but James Potter, the smarmy git!" Her outrage finally got the better of her and she turned and swung her foot at the wall. "Bloody hell!" she cried, hopping around in pain, deeply regretting that impulse. 

"You really are having a bad day," Marlene remarked, picking up her magazine and thumbing through it again. 


	2. Of Owls and Ducks

Dawn came earlier than usual that morning, or at least that's what it felt like to the two bleary-eyed trainee aurors standing outside Alastor Moody's office waiting in line for their portkey. They could hear faint snatches of conversation as it filtered through the door.

"...and remember to apply lots of sunscreen Longbottom, our British skin is just not made for the Jamaican sun," came Moody's gruff yet doting voice for his favourite trainee.

"Yes, and we'll take special care to remember what you said about those vicious canaries sir," said Frank Longbottom quite seriously.

"Those nasty buggers, they're the reason I lost my eye," grumbled Moody.

Lily and James had stopped looking at each other in disbelief as every auror team before them had had these ridiculous conversations with Moody about the truly exotic places that they would complete their assignments in.

They heard the now familiar wrenching noise of the portkey and knew that Frank and Alice were already in Jamaica slathering on sun screen by the time they heard Moody call out, "Potter, Evans...get in here."

They made their way into his office, hoping for a pep talk but received nothing more than an acknowledging nod and two thick jackets made from some sort of dead woolly animal thrust at them.

"Now, we don't have much time, my last meeting might have gone a little longer than usual. But your portkey is scheduled to leave in two minutes. Stay alert in Boloxisnom, there are no known dark wizards there, it is however, their winter and that might be an even more dangerous hazard. This portkey might not land exactly where it's meant to, you might be thrown off by a few kilometers, as I couldn't get the exact co-ordinates. In case you do get lost, this is a picture of the inn you will be staying at, I cannot pronounce the name and I am not going to try. You will meet a translator there and you will receiveyour assignment instructions daily by owl."

Their portkey had begun to glow and pulse in Moody's hand indicating that Lily and James' time in Britain was drawing to a close. Moody barked out one final remark as he handed them the rubber ducky portkey, "Stay vigilant at all times!"

"Constant vigilance? Got it!" said James as he stared deeply into the eyes of the unblinking rubber ducky. He felt a jerk from his behind navel and his world began to spin.

In the Head Auror's office Alastor Moody sat, musing. "Constant vigilance," he muttered to himself, "a good motto to have for the aurors and its even kind of catchy..."

\----------------------

WHUMP!

The cold hit James like a snowbank. Actually, it WAS a snowbank. He found himself unceremoniously dumped, robes over his head and definitely upside down in the biggest pile of snow he had ever seen. 

He spluttered as he tried to get the fluffy white stuff out of his mouth and started groping around for his glasses that he had lost in the snow.

"Get your hands off my bottom, you tosser," shrilled Lily as she whacked him over the head.

"Then bloody help me find my glasses Evans," he hissed at her, rubbing his head, only to find his glasses painfully entangled in his hair.

"Moody is rubbish at portkeys," he grumbled as he fixed his glasses on his face and began to wade out of the snow bank blasting snow everywhere with his wand to clear a path, and leaving Lily behind.

"Wait for me you wanker, my bags are missing under all of this snow," said Lily, stopping him in his tracks.

"Evans, you _are_ a witch aren't you? Summon them!" said James as he walked away grumbling and muttering ' _diffindo!'_ at the snow as it exploded out of his way.

They had been walking for exactly twenty seven minutes on a rural snow covered road (hardly a road though and more of a goat path) when Lily sat down on the side of the road and told James she was giving up and that they should just try to go home now.

"Look, Evans..." he reconsidered what would have been a reprimand when he saw how miserable she looked sniffling on the side of the frozen road, huddled in Moody's abnormally large fur jacket. Her nose was an abnormally bright shade of red and her face flushed was from exhaustion from hauling her three large trunks.

"Er look, Lily. This isn't going to be some easy-peasy theory assignment that you can study for and logic out the situation; this is the real thing. This is what we've been in _training_ for. We've come this far there's no point in going home now. Yes, we are lost in a foreign country and yes the only civilization we have seen has been three goats and a scarecrow but this is only our first setback and we have to keep going or we're going to freeze our little bums off. And from what I've experienced today, it would be a shame to lose a bum like yours to frostbite."

Lily snorted and rubbed her eyes. She sighed, dragged herself up, punched James lightly, and began trudging along with him again. He hummed tunelessly and she joined in, finding that it made her feel better. 

Another twenty-seven minutes later and they found themselves on the outskirts of a very small village. They could smell the wood fires of the chimneys before they could see the rural cottages. Boloxisnom was a depressing sight: whatever wasn't covered in snow was covered in soot or smelled of boiled cabbage.

They held up the picture of the inn that Moody had given them and compared it to the building in the centre of the village. It was definitely their inn and it was easily the tallest building around. A full two floors. The inn had a look of general disrepair and possessed a very untidy front yard, littered with all sorts of odd broken machinery.

The sign that hung outside the inn has swinging and creaking in the harsh Boloxisnom wind and it was quite difficult to read what it said until they got closer. They trudged towards the centre of the village and managed to make it to the inn with Lily only tripping once over some stray logs of wood. 

They stood in front of the inn and looked up at the sign. Lily gasped and turned bright pink while James chuckled and shook his head. Though they realized the name of the inn was Boloxisnomian, they couldn't believe how incredibly rude the name seemed to an English speaker!

Outside the inn on a bench sat a man in a large furry jacket and an abnormally large furry hat, with his head in his hands. He looked up at them and his face broke out into a smile. "Ah, you are the English, yes? I feared you had been eaten by our goats!" said the man with a very thick and indistinguishable accent. James supposed the man was maybe in his early twenties and from the devilish look on his face, quite the ladies man as well. 'Good,' thought James, ' at least I will have someone to be my wingman in this frigid wasteland.'

"Come, come inside. You look greatly tired. I am Yegor, your translator," as he shook hands with Lily and James, "I live in village and I will be your guide. I am greatest English speaker in Boloxisnom!" He jangled a large ring of keys in their faces and said excitedly, "Come, I lock you in!"

\----------------

Lily's eyes widened in terror and she looked desperately towards James, who looked perplexed but not too worried. James started off after the _very_ handsome man whose dark, furry hat was bobbing along in sharp contrast to the blindingly white snow, and Lily had no choice but to follow them. 

Her anxiety at Yegor's comments faded as her hands and toes began to warm up as they stepped into the inn. They found themselves in a cramped and dimly lit foyer. It turned out that looks weren't that deceiving, the inn looked just as bad from the inside as it did from the outside. Yegor lead the way up the narrow, dark stairwell and down a darker hallway that had dust piling up in the corners. Lily couldn't help but notice the elegant way Yegor moved under his bulky coat, like a trained fighter. Yegor, moved to the side, opened the first door on the landing and smiled at her and said, "Lady, your bed." She looked at him from beneath her eyelashes and returned his smile shyly. The moment was ruined when a cold gust of icy air swept through the doorway. 

"What in Merlin's name...?" Lily exclaimed and was too shocked to say anything further. One of the walls of the bedroom had fallen inwards and covered most of her bed in rubble. 

After a moment Lily found her voice, "I can't sleep on that! There's... there's...a wall on it!" 

Yegor looked mildly surprised but was clearly not in the same degree of shock that Lily and James were experiencing. "Yes, well," he sighed, shutting the door and shooing Lily and James back down the hallway a bit, "sometimes wall gets tired and have to lie down." He put a different key into the lock in the next door, and wiggled it. It wouldn't open. So he wiggled it some more.

Lily started to get concerned, "Do you think these are their only rooms?" she whispered to James. 

"Dunno," James replied helpfully. 

"Do you think they'll send us to a nicer hotel?" she whispered. Yegor, unfortunately, had heard her. 

"This is best room in Boloxisnom! First – star living!" he replied, and the lock gave way with a loud 'clunk' and he swung the door open. 

This room had all of its walls standing more or less straight up. It even had a small, attached bathroom, a single shelf, and a tiny and rather uncomfortable looking bed. James marched up the shelf, took the rubber ducky (a portkey, no longer) out of his pocket, and set him on the shelf. "Ah, a home for Duck." 

Lily smiled: that had been kind of cute, despite the fact that it was James.

"Ok! Sleep together!" Yegor said, handing the key to James, who looked mildly horrified at the suggestion. James took the key and headed back across the room towards the shelf and began unpacking. Lily noticed Yegor eying James up and down in a familiar way... a way she had seen Sirius eying pretty girls at Hogwarts. 

"Oh, bollocks!" Lily exclaimed as she connected the dots in her head. Both men turned to her, questioningly, and she flushed red. She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but she _was_ disappointed. The only man aside from James she's seen in hours turns out to be gay. He didn't move with the grace of a trained fighter, he was a...a trained dancer!

"I mean... I haven't got a bed?" she asked, trying to cover up for herself. It seemed to satisfy the curiosity of James and the translator, and Yegor waved his wand around absently.

"Ah! Yes! _Accio_ bed!" he yelled, brandishing his wand most extravagantly. There was a loud crash – as the wall fell off the bed – and the mattress came soaring into the room and landed with a loud thump on the floor next to the other bed. This room was starting to look really cramped. Yegor turned to leave and waved his hand over his shoulder in a farewell, "See you tomorrow." 

Lily and James were alone again. 

Lily dropped her bags on the floor, and moved to flop down on the bed. She was tired, cold, hungry, and desperately craving chocolate. 

"You can't leave those there!" James whined, gesturing madly at her bags.

"Why not?" Lily said, kicking off her wet shoes. 

"They're taking up the whole room!" James was sounding very distressed. Lily didn't peg him for a neat freak but apparently he was. 

"Well, where do you propose we leave them, hmm?" Lily said pleasantly, falling backwards onto the bed. 

That was a HUGE mistake. "Oh bloody hell!!!" she cried, rubbing her rear-end. That bed was terribly uncomfortable. 

"Aha!" James exclaimed, oblivious to her pain, and with a flick of his wrist, her bags were shrinking. 

"James!" she started to yell, but then changed her mind. It's not like he was _actually_ hurting anything. Besides, she thought it was funny the way his face screwed up when he did non-verbal spells. He wasn't entirely proficient at those yet. 

They spent the rest of their day unpacking, setting up and cleaning their rather cramped, dank room. This part of Boloxisnom obviously did not get very many visitors, as their room was filthy. 

James set a few more of possessions on the shelf with the rubber duck. He brought out an English to Boloxisnomian phrase book. "A surprisingly thoughtful gift from Sirius," he commented as he set it down.He had also brought along a map of Boloxisnom, with the inn marked clearly in red ink, a pair of dragon hide gloves, his Gryffindor scarf, and his owl, which he had shrunk and stored in his trunk.

"Well, aren't you going to un-shrink your owl?" she asked after getting over the shock that he had kept his owl _inside_ his trunk.

"Un-shrink? I didn't shrink Elvendork," he said and wrinkled his brows in confusion.

Lily couldn't help but laugh, "My, my James. You do have a tiny owl. Miniscule really."

"It's not the size that matters, its how you use it!" James said indignantly.

"Oh, pardon me! I'm sure Elvendork knows just how to use his size to his advantage.""Elvendork is a unisex name, I'll have you know!"

"You were too stupid to determine the sex of your owl, so you named it _Elvendork_?" Lily questioned mockingly.

"Get over yourself, Evans. I'm not the one who named her frog Pickley-poo in second year!" 

"Shut up," cried Lily as she threw her pillow at him. Seeing as the pillow was made of the same hard material her mattress was made out of, James was knocked out for a few hours and she got to have some peace and quiet. She decided to send an owl to Marlene.

_Marlene,_

_So we're here, stuck in this perfectly horrible country in a perfectly horrible inn called - I can't even bring myself to write it. It probably means nothing in Boloxisnomian but it's so offensive! You'd think their public relations officers would have interfered or something... but no. They don't have public relations officers. Our translator, who is gorgeous but unfortunately a poofter, barely speaks English at all! He also has a thing for James (who is totally oblivious, might I add). The only interesting things here are the man-eating goats, which Potter thinks are hilarious. Speaking of Potter, I cannot figure out what he's up to; he's nice and, well,_ normal _for awhile, but then he's back to his horrid self again. I'm going to steal his stupidly tiny owl and send this letter to you with him. I hope it'll be able to make the journey... it's pretty tiny. Anyway, I'm starved and I can't wait to go find something to eat. I haven't seen anywhere to buy food yet. As soon as Potter wakes up - I've accidentally knocked him unconscious with a pillow, and it's great to have some peace and quiet - I think I'm going to drag him out to find something to eat. Or to find something we can at least transfigure. I think I'm going to hate it here as I have to share a room with him, and I don't even get a proper bed! It's a mattress on the floor, and it's unbelievably uncomfortable._

_Anyway, I do believe the wanker is coming too, so I should probably use his owl before he wakes up and stops me. I know you miss me loads! Lily_

Lily hurriedly rolled up the parchment and attached it securely to Elvendork's leg. Elvendork hooted softly, and leaped out of the window as if he couldn't wait to escape the frozen wasteland. Lily sighed and wished she could go with him. 

James was stirring from his spot on the floor, he opened his eyes and looked around groggily. It appeared he had forgotten where he was, so Lily waved at him. He waved back and as if on cue his stomach rumbled. They shared a laugh and discussed getting a quick snack from the innkeeper before turning in for the night.

They made their way down the dark staircase and found themselves in the drafty lobby where they found a woman in bulky skirts dusting. They both knew from the amount of dust in their room and the staircase that her dusting was not very efficient so they didn't mind bothering her at her task. She smiled and nodded at them, but continued to dust. James cleared his throat and tapped her on the shoulder. "Where is food?" he said very slowly and mimed putting a spoon into his mouth.

They got the same response, a smile and a nod. Lily decided to try by rubbing her stomach and saying, "Mmm."

The woman smiled wider, this time in understanding, and they could see she was missing quite a few teeth. She pulled them into another room that Lily decided must be the kitchen, though it lacked a stove, a sink or a refrigerator. She leaned over and pinched James on the cheek much like an old grandmother would, and then exclaimed "You so bony! Hanka will feed you now." 

Lily laughed at James, who was rubbing his cheek indignantly, and happily thanked Hanka.

Several minutes later she hurried out of the kitchen to Lily and James in the main room, hot liquid splashing to the floor out of the huge bowls she was carrying. "Soup!" she exclaimed proudly.

Lily and James thanked her profusely and dove into their dinner as she returned to her dusting. James spluttered and spat the soup back out. "This is awful!"

"I think it's beet..." Lily said sadly as she slurped it down.

Upon returning to their rooms, James noticed Elvendork was gone. "Where's my owl?!" he exclaimed, worriedly. 

"Oh, I sent him to Marlene with a letter," Lily said smiling.

"But I wanted to send a letter to Sirius!" he said angrily. "You are an owl thief, Lily Evans." 

"He'll be back soon, don't worry about it too much." She took off her robes and lay back gingerly on her bed, careful to avoid the large spring that had stabbed her the moment before. 

Ignoring her, James removed his robes and reclined on his bed, looking quite comfortable, his eyes drooping. 

"These beds are so awful!" Lily complained, wiggling around on the lumpy mattress. 

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Terribly uncomfortable," James said offhandedly. He was asleep within seconds and snoring within minutes.

\--------

"Rise and shine!" James crowed just moments after Lily had finally managed to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. It had been the most awful night, she was sure she probably looked terrible.

"It's not morning, go back to sleep," she grumbled. So he started jumping on her bed.

"I hate you," she mumbled, rolling over and getting a sharp jab in her side from another spring. 

"Aw, Evans, that's not very nice. Not at all. I'm just trying to make sure you don't miss breakfast!" 

"Breakfast?" Lily shot up in bed, absently patting her hair down around her face. She knew it was probably fluffy and everywhere and she could practically feel the dark circles under her eyes getting darker, but James looked well rested and positively _chipper_. 

"Smells good, yeah?" he said, sitting on the edge of her bed and referring to the heavenly smell wafting up the stairs. It did smell delicious. 

Lily's stomach grumbled in anticipation as she swung her feet over the edge of the demon-bed, and pulled on her robes. She attempted to disentangle her hair, but gave up almost immediately. It could wait until after breakfast; she was starving. 

Lily shuffled down the hallway behind James, who was nearly skipping with anticipation. They entered the small entrance area, and a large woman with a kerchief tied around her head bustled over to them holding two steaming bowls. 

They could make out through her thick accent that she had said, "Morning, morning!" as she plopped the bowls in front of the pair, "I am innkeeper, Miranz, I make breakfast!" 

Lily smiled warmly at the woman, "I'm Lily, thank you for breakfast!" She waited for James to say something, and finally looking over at him. He was staring down at his bowl with a poorly hidden look of disgust on his face. Lily looked down at her own bowl, and understood his expression. 

The bowl was filled with thick brown goo. There was no other word for it. Lily did not understand how such a delicious smelling thing could look so unbelievably unappetizing. She kicked James under the table. 

"Oh! Uh, thanks for James. My name is breakfast," he stumbled.

Miranz laughed heartily, pinched James' cheek, turned and bustled out of the room. From the kitchen Lily could hear Miranz chattering away fiercely in what she assumed was Boloxisnomian to someone in the kitchen, probably Hanka. 

"Oww," said James dismally, rubbing his cheek, "I hope that's not some silly custom I have to get accustomed to. Also," he hissed," What _is_ this sludge? I can't eat this," James said, pushing the bowl away from him.

'Such a spoiled brat," Lily thought huffily, rolling her eyes. She was too hungry to bear though so she dared a bite. 

It was amazing. She'd never tasted anything like it. The most delicious thing she had ever tasted. "It's vile," she said in an undertone to James, "but if I don't eat something, I might die." 

She heard James' stomach rumble and promptly shoveled another spoonful into her mouth, doing her best to look disgusted.

"I wonder if I could transfigure this into something else..." James was muttering under his breath. "Brussel sprouts, perhaps... they'd probably taste better." 

At that moment a bedraggled looking brown owl careened into the room, landing haphazardly on the table. It had a crumpled letter in its beak. 

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed happily, removing the parchment from the owl's beak, "that must be our first assignment from Moody!"

She scanned the paper. It was a general assignment and she guessed all the other auror trainee teams had received the same letter. " _I hope you were able to cope on your first night in a foreign country_ ," the letter began, " _Your first assignment will be to find and differentiate the wizards and witches from the Muggles at a local cultural hotspot"_

"Hot spot?" said Lily disbelievingly looking out the window at the freshly falling snow.

The letter continued, _"What are the local customs? What will offend the people and how can you avoid these mistakes? Converse with as many locals as you can to obtain these answers, do not rely on observations alone. Try not to get killed and remember, constant vigilance!"_

Lily looked up at James, excited to share the letter with him and begin their first day of work. He was trying to coax the owl into eating his breakfast. 


	3. Freckles and Bums but not Freckly Bums

**A/N: Sorry for taking so long to post! We've been working lots, and it's limited our writing time. We'd also like to remind you wonderful readers that Boloxisnom is an entirely fictional country, created so that we could play on stereotypes for comedic and artistic purposes without offending anyone. We recognize that there is no real country as bizarre as Boloxisnom. We sincerely apologize to those who think we are making fun of Eastern Europeans or their countries, because we really aren't. We're making fun of the stereotypes that are perpetuated, because many are truly strange. Please, review!**

It was nearing dusk when Lily and James finally found themselves trudging back to the inn after their rather long and eventful day exploring the village. Yegor had taken them to visit some of the magical and non-magical dwellings in the village and its surrounding areas. Most of the people they visited had been farmers who were all quite pleased to welcome them into their homes and show them around. Lily had thoroughly enjoyed visiting around the quaint village even though she and James rarely understood what their hosts were saying, and Yegor wasn't much assistance since he was usually just laughing boisterously and hitting on James. 

Midway through the day, James had managed to fall into a frozen pond at one of the farms and, after a few minutes of floundering with the ducks that shared the pond and battling through ice shards, he had emerged shivering uncontrollably. His waterlogged hair had frozen upon contact with the air and when he tried to nervously ruffle his hair, the way he always did, several pieces of his hair broke off into his hands. Lily could swear she had heard him whimper. 

The farmer's wife, a small, young woman with quite a pretty face had then brought James into her kitchen, wrapped him in a thick blanket and sat him in front of her fireplace, cooing over him constantly. Lily was quite in the opinion, after watching the little lady continue to find reasons to touch James, that this woman was utterly besotted with him, though James didn't seem to notice due to his preoccupation with the little sodden bits of hair he was still clutching. 

Lily, found herself thoroughly annoyed with the woman's behaviour, and didn't understand why everyone in Boloxisnom seemed to be so enthralled with him. Yes he was sort of good looking and an impish smile but that just didn't warrant these women flocking to him. These Boloxisnomians have not had to deal with the annoying sod for the better part of a decade!

They had met quite a few more colourful characters throughout the rest of the day (Especially when they visited the local tavern and James had attempted to use the phrasebook that Sirius had sent with them. Lily would dearly like to know what James had said in fewer than three words to get them kicked out of the tavern with such ferocity. Yegor was still chuckling about the incident but refused to translate what James had said, declaring that he was not so crude). The whirlwind day had taken its toll on them and at sunset they had decided to finish up for the day. Yegor had said his goodbyes to them in the village square since his home lay in the opposite direction and James and Lily had been left to find their own way home. As they were trudging home, Lily suddenly stopped short: she had realized that something was not completely right with her body.

"James...I think we ought to go stop at that general store we passed awhile back," she said. James stared at her in disbelief, he was tired and hungry and he was certain that some parts of him were actually frozen. He was so tired he didn't even notice she'd used his first name. 

"Why?" he asked gruffly, too tired to really care why, "I am in no disposition to travel backwards, Evans."

"Well, let's just say I need to pick up a couple of things..." she was trying to spare him the details; she'd noticed boys didn't exactly like to discuss 'woman issues'. 

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" he asked, stopping and turning to face her. 

"No, Potter, trust me it really cannot wait," Lily said, getting anxious and shifting her weight from foot to foot. 

"Well what's so important then?" 

"Just...you know...I need woman things," Lily said looking anywhere but at James. 

"Your makeup or whatever it is cannot possibly be so important that they warrant my bollocks going numb in Boloxisnom," James retorted, turning around and starting back towards the inn. 

"Potter, there are certain times during a month when every woman is in need of uh...items, items that are generally found at general store and that will help er with her....cycle!" stammered Lily, hoping that her explanation would be good enough to penetrate James' thick skull.

"You're constipated?" asked James and grimaced uncomfortably.

"For Merlin's sake, Potter! My woman parts are bleeding!" Lily exclaimed, suddenly furious that James was so thick. 

James stopped and spun around again, "Sweet Helga Hufflepuff, Evans! There's no reason to be so direct about it!" he was clearly horrified with her declaration. He then made an odd sort of shooing motion, as if to make her walk ahead of him. "Well, let's get this over with," he said and Lily could swear she heard him mutter under his breath, "Never had to do this for Donnatella."

So they walked towards the general store, James maintaining his distance as if Lily had an infectious disease. This annoyed her immensely. 

"You _can_ walk up here with me, you know," Lily said irritably, "It's a completely natural part of life." 

"No, it really isn't," James said darkly, "Anything that can bleed for a week and still be alive cannot possibly be human." 

Lily ignored James and opened the door to the general store, not caring to hold it open for him. The store really was larger than she'd expected it to be, with several rows of tottering shelves stacked to the ceiling. 

"Let's split up," suggested Lily, eager to find a box of tampons. She was kicking herself for forgetting to pack them, "We'll find them much faster this way." 

"I'm all for that," James said under his breath as they parted ways, but Lily heard him anyway. 

Lily explored the aisles, which were packed with mostly mundane things, but every now and again she would come across something totally absurd - to her at least.

"Who on earth would anyone ever want to buy goat hoof dust?" she asked out loud before shaking her head and continuing down the aisle. 

After a few more minutes of unsuccessful searching, Lily heard raised voices from across the store. One of them sounded awfully familiar. She hurried down the rest of this row and she finally sighted the elusive box of tampons sitting next to several loaves of bread and grabbed them off the shelf before going around the corner. 

She was greeted with the sight of James waving a large sausage around, and a very angry looking Boloxisnomian man advancing on him, his large furry hat askew. Behind them, a beautiful young blond woman whose long hair fell in sheets was looking utterly bewildered. 

Lily sighed, and hurried over to the trio, not looking forward to learning what strange predicament James had managed to get himself into this time.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

James was not having any luck finding any sort of female hygiene products for two reasons. For one, the store had no organizational system. It appeared as if the shopkeepers had decided to put items wherever they felt like it and not beside similar items, because that, of course, would have made it too easy to find things. The second reason James was unable to find tampons was because he did not know what a tampon looked like or exactly how it operated. He vaguely remembered seeing something on a box in Peter's mother's bathroom about tampons being tube shaped cotton objects that women put somewhere up into their nether regions. He had blocked the rest of the horrifying details on the box from memory.

He decided to approach a pretty girl who was standing in the next aisle and ask her whether she could help him. He pulled out the translation book, but quickly gave up on this attempt because it hadn't helped him so far today. 

He instead said very slowly, his words accompanied with gestures that he thought would he helpful, "Do... you... know... where... I... can... find... tampons?" 

She looked at him and smiled nervously at him but from the confused look in her eyes he could tell this was going nowhere. He looked around desperately trying to find something that would help him explain. His eyes fell on the rows of sausages hung to be dried in the window and he grabbed a particularly large one, and immediately cringed at the smell that wafted up to greet his nose.

He pointed at the sausage in his hand and then pointed at her lower body and started making an upward thrusting motion with the sausage and saying, "For the blood! To stop the blood?"

The girl had started to back away and she was now yelling for some sort of "Jarislav" whatever that was. He started waving the sausage and pursued the girl into the next aisle yelling, "It's not for me, it's for my friend...well she's not _really_ a friend, more of a colleague... partner type of thing really. She's never wanted to be friends with me; I reckon she still figures me to be a bit of a bullying twat."

James quickly realized that he must seem terrifying to this girl, running after her waving a sausage in the air and yelling in a language she didn't understand. He suspected he was still a bit unhinged from receiving information on Lily's "bleeding woman parts" and decided to put the sausage into the crook of his elbow, put up his hands and approach the girl slowly this time and try again.

"Bloody....sodding...hell...the things I do for Evans," he muttered as he pulled out Sirius' phrasebook and started to frantically search for any words that could help him. The girl was still yelling "Jarislav" at James who was now also trying to look up what a "Jarislav" was. He looked up at the girl and out of the corner of his eye he could see an extremely hairy, red faced, furry hatted, angry Boloxinomian man marching towards them with, James gulped, what looked like a rather sizeable rifle in his hands. 

"Vat is you doing to my vife? Vhy she is calling me! Vhat you do?” he spat at James holding the rifle up to his nose. James looked from the man to his wife and back again and comprehension dawned, this was a Jarislav. He couldn't think of a more unlikely couple. The girl was much too young and pretty to be with this m-AHHH!

The man had just jabbed James in the ribcage with his rifle. "You must answer!" and he jabbed James for every word, as if his words needed more emphasis with a rifle in his hands.

James composed himself and decided to capitalize on the small amount of English this Jarislav fellow seemed to have. "I was just asking your...wife, where I would find err...feminine hygiene accessories for my friend."

Jarislav looked at James uncomprehendingly and looked like he was going to shoot James just for using words he did not understand. 

In a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation, James figured that charades might help him. He pointed carefully at Jarislav's wife, gripped the sausage in one hand, and started miming his understanding of how a tampon was used. 

Unfortunately, Jarislav did not seem to understand him at all and now seemed to have other ideas about why James was scaring his wife.

"YOU!" bellowed Jarislav as he hit the sausage out of James' hand with the barrel of the rifle, "You vill not haf her! Take your feelthy sausage elsevhere. She ees _my_ vife!"

At that, James realized just how stupid it was to use a sausage to mime _anything_. He looked horrified at Jarislav and started spluttering and shaking his head, gesturing wildly, "No! No that is not what I want! I mean I'm not saying that she isn't very beautiful and I'd love to but... NO! I am trying to help my friend."

At that moment, Lily came up beside James, and he breathed a sigh of relief... here was proof that he was totally innocent. Jarislav looked happy at her appearance too. However James realized that he may have mistaken Jarislav's facial expression when he pointed the gun at Lily. 

"You cannot haf my vife, you British peeg," growled Jarislav.

"What was that?" Lily asked James in astonishment.

"After spending the last 3 minutes of my life staring down the barrel of his rifle and trying not to misinterpret his accent, I reckon he just called me a pig," muttered James out of the side of his mouth.

"Ah"

"Now, I must take your vife!" said Jarislav ominously, and put his hand on the trigger of the rifle that was still pointed at Lily. James did not have the time to work out Jarislav's twisted logic of wife stealing; he turned around to Lily and pushed her towards the door. "Lily, RUN!"

As James turned he heard the sound of a gunshot that was followed by the acrid smell of gunpowder, and James dove after Lily who was sprinting towards the door. James felt a searing pain in his left buttock, hit the floor roughly and everything went black.

\------------------------------------------------

Lily dove to the ground at the sound of the gunfire, and looked back just in time to see James hit the ground. Behind him, Jarislav shrugged and walked away with his arm around his wife, muttering furiously in Boloxisnomian. 

"James!" Lily called frantically, turning and running back to him. She didn't think she could handle James being dead. Granted, she found him infuriating, but now that she thought about it, she _would_ actually miss the sod... Lily brushed off her wild thoughts and focused on the task at hand. Lily frantically felt for a pulse and found one, she let out a sigh of relief. He was unconscious, thank Merlin, and not dead. She looked around to make sure no one was there. She drew out her wand then gripped his arm and with a faint pop, Disapparated.

When the squeezing sensation subsided, she found herself in the extremely cramped bathroom at the little inn. "Sorry," she apologized sheepishly to James, whose head had landed squarely on the toilet seat. Luckily for her, he was never going to remember it. 

She dragged him out of the bathroom and placed him onto his bed face down and began digging in her suitcase for her essence of dittany bottle. She found the small bottle, and uncorked it carefully before waving her wand at the wound and saying " _Accio_ bullet!" 

The little bullet shot into her hand, and she dropped it quickly as it was still warm. She carefully ripped the fabric of his pants around where the bullet had entered his body. Blushing furiously she felt around the bullet wound to make sure there wasn't any other damage before putting the dittany on. The area was fine extremely irritated and red and she began to dab the dittany onto his skin gently.

As she began to rip a larger hole in the seat of his pants Lily found herself thinking she should maybe just take his pants off completely, instead of damaging them further. But then she would have to see him in his underwear and she couldn't stop blushing at the thought. And what would happen if he suddenly came to while she was taking his pants off? Would he think she was about to rape him? That she had finally fallen for him but could only have him while he was unconscious? These thoughts subsided as she began to feel around the now rapidly healing wound and was distracted by the feel of a rather nicely toned buttock under her fingers. 

She carefully positioned him so that he would be most comfortable, realizing that his buttock wasn't the only nicely toned part of his body. His right buttock was just as pleasing, as were his abdominals and his left bicep. Blushing, she stepped away from the bed, straightened her hair, and pointed her wand, slightly shaking, at the unconscious figure, " _Ennervate_!"He came to with a groan and attempted to roll onto his back, but Lily stopped him by grabbing his shoulder

"Careful James, you've been shot. I got the bullet out and healed it as much as I could, but you will still be very sore", she said and gently turned him so that he continued to lay face down in the bed. 

"These Boloxisnomians are crazy," James groaned into the bed and reached over for his left butt cheek, "Owwww, he shot me in the arse?!"

"Yes, but James, you were very brave. You took that shot for me, oh if I hadn't forgotten to pack those tampons..." she fretted wringing her hands nervously.

"I got shot in the bum Lily, it's not exactly Godric Gryffindor's brand of bravery, is it?" said James testily but in an attempt to pacify her he added, "But, thank you for your quick thinking at least I'll still be able to put my bum to good use."

Lily snorted, "And what use is that?"

"Bums are extremely useful; did you know that if humans did not possess bums we would just be falling over all the time, because there would be nothing to counterbalance the weight of our heads?"

"And how could you possibly know that? Haven't been reading Muggle medical journals, have you?"

"No, but this one time in 5th Year Peter had asked Bertha Jorkins for a date and she told him that she would never date a bloke who's bum was bigger than hers," James started to laugh and wasn't able to finish his explanation, "So that night when Sirius and I walked into the boys dormitory it was to discover Peter in the midst of reducing the size of his bottom. I suppose he went a bit too far and as soon as it was too small he promptly fell over."

"That's why he kept falling over for a week?" laughed Lily.

"We didn't figure out that was the reason he was falling over until a week later when Bertha commented on the size of his buttocks in Astrology, quite loudly might I add." Lily laughed, and James was quiet for a moment. Something seemed to have occurred to him. 

"Evans...did you touch my bum?" James asked in disbelief.

"Er, well, I didn't have much choice, did I?" Lily responded awkwardly, "I wasn't going to let my partner die, imagine how my results at the Auror Academy would drop," she quipped. 

"Evans, surely you aren't blushing?" teased James.

"No, I most _certainly_ am not!" said Lily tersely as she blushed furiously but tried to make it look like anger.

"Now now Evans, I took one in the bum for you, no need to jump on that menstrual cycle of yours and run me over," James sighed, doing his best impression of being miserable and for which he received a very dirty look and then, for good measure, a thwack to the head with the Boloxisnomian phrasebook.

"Blimey, you must _really_ be embarrassed," said James and grinning widely as he reached his hands out to cup her cheeks, "I'd be able to properly warm my hands up in even the worst Boloxisnomian winter storm if you keep blushing like this."

James still had his hands on her face and was looking directly into her eyes now. His warm eyes were still sparkling with mirth and from her vantage point; Lily noticed three small freckles James had just below his left eye that she had never seen before. They gazed at each other for what felt like a rather awkward amount of time to Lily but was in reality, probably only a few seconds. Lily had believed she knew exactly what James Potter looked like, especially after all these years at Hogwarts together, where he continually ensured that Lily saw him on a daily basis. But she had never noticed these damn freckles before and found herself mesmerized by them, or maybe just by James.

There was a loud tapping at their window and they broke apart to see Elvendork ramming his beak into their window, trying to get in. Lily hurriedly moved away from James and opened the window letting Elvendork and a flurry of snow into their room.

"Perfect!" Lily said, brushing snow off her sleeve as Elvendork ruffled his feathers, "We can send Moody our daily report now." Elvendork hooted miserably.

She carefully detached Marlene's letter from Elvendork's leg, and tucked it away to read later. She then pulled parchment, a small bottle of ink, and a well-worn quill from the pocket of her suitcase, and sat down at the battered desk to write. _Operation Foreign Immersion_

_Aurors James Potter and Lily Evans_

_Boloxisnom, Day 1._

_The following is the report of our first full day in Boloxisnom. At approximately 9 o'clock this morning our translator met us at our inn, where we were able to sample the culinary delights of a Boloxisnomian breakfast. We were taken around the charming village to visit dwellings magical and non-magical, and we had the opportunity to converse with many intriguing locals. Auror Potter also had the opportunity to go for a short swim. We were able to find out how fast it is possible to be ejected in a local tavern and that English phrasebooks are not always the most accurate, nor must they be trusted explicitly. We were also able to experience the unique, retribution-based justice system that is practiced in Boloxisnom first-hand during a misunderstanding with a local. However the problem was quickly rectified through the bravery of Auror Potter and the quick thinking of Auror Evans (who was also given the opportunity to perform first aid in the field, which she executed admirably)._

"What a terrible day," sighed Lily, sitting heavily back down on the bed and yanking off her sodden boots.

"For once, Evans, I fully and completely agree with you," James said, looking her directly in the eye. 

There was an awkward pause and Lily looked away, still thinking of the prat's bottom. 


End file.
